Sand Castles
by TranscendentalFiction
Summary: Yaoi: Squall is grieving for Rinoa and hiding out at Matron's house, when bedragled and lost Seifer comes out of time commpression looking for a man with gray eyes.
1. Default Chapter

The gray light of dusk crept across the low, broken columns of marble outside of Edea's home. Squall had not set things right when he arrived, preferring to languish amid the ruin of his past life. In one corner of the room he had grown up in as a child lay his gunblade, unused for over a month. He had set up a low cot from cushions scavenged from the storage room- some of them had remained sealed within their airtight bags and protected from the elements. His coat was thrown carelessly on the floor at the bottom of the bed, his gloves lay on top of the coat. He hadn't been happy here, but he hadn't been forced to endure the quiet pity of his comrades. Ever since Rinoa had died fighting Ultimecia, nothing made sense. Squall had wanted to die, there hadn't been anything left to live for. But, somehow the others had convinced him to keep breathing...Cid, Matron, Laguna- they had worried about him, wanted him to help them in rebuilding the world. But it wouldn't help to put buildings back up, cities could rise again but Rinoa would never be coming back.  
  
Squall clenched his fists to his stomach, thick locks of dark brown hair falling into his eyes as he bent his head- he had let his hair grow since...it all ended. The pain was still fresh, time wasn't doing any good. With a heavy sigh he opened the back door and stepped out into the cool night air. The sun was sinking down into the sea- a beautiful sight if you had the eyes to see it with. But everywhere Squall looked he only saw gray, unhappy, useless action. He started walking down the broad, winding stairs that led to the beach. Often he had fallen asleep listening to the sea, there was something comforting in the eternal rush of the waters on the shore. As he rounded the first of the turns he started, coming to a halt. Who? How?  
  
"Seifer!" He gasped, shocked beyond thought.  
  
He leaned his head against the stone, breathing slowly. The stone felt good, familiar. With his eyes closed, he brushed tired fingers over it and it seemed so real to him. At the top of these stairs was some place he wanted to be. Yes, someplace he wanted to be, he thought, even though he had no idea what that might be.  
  
Wearing the same clothes that he'd always worn, black pants, now a bit to big, black boots, his gray duster with the red swords, black shirt, he had no idea how scruffy he looked. He had his bag though, a canvas back pack, worn and more gray than cream colored. His he held close to his chest. He knew he'd remember what was in the bag when he needed to, no matter how much his mind wandered. Yes, yes, his sketch book. Quickly, with nervous fingers, he opened the bag and pulled out the littlest book, bound in black shiny paper. This was the very important one. Reverently, he opened it, to make sure the pages were what they should be. Pages and pages of beautiful eyes, as the pages neared the back of the book, wild brown hair, just a hint of red.  
  
He didn't know who this was, but he had to find him. These eyes, finding the one that owned them... that was what he was living for. Still, the stairs were a lot to climb right now and he leaned his head against the familiar stone, closing his eyes for a moment more, his breathing rough and irregular.  
  
"Seifer!"  
  
The word woke him and sent him scrambling back down the stairs, sketch book and bag clutched to his chest. He glared, his body taking an aggressive stance out of habit. Then he saw the eyes, the hair, and the face just filled in to his memory â€" this was the one he'd been looking for! His heart felt like it started to beat again! "I've been looking for you," he whispered.  
  
Squall fell into a defensive crouch, his hands extended as years of training snapped into focus. All the melancholy and despair were set aside into a corner of his finely-honed mind as he confronted his rival who he had thought dead. It was such an ingrained reaction he didn't even have time to consider the irony, after a month of non-combat, swearing off all that was going on in the world- who but Seifer of all people should show up and bring his old killing instincts to the surface?  
  
"Did you come to finish me off? Your too late Seifer- I'm already dead, I just don't look it. I didn't think you'd survived."  
  
Why was Seifer looking at him like that? Now that Squall had a chance to take in his appearance...he was filthy and battered, like he had been cast up on the shores of Matron's home like some piece of flotsam. His eyes though...they were burning with an almost feverish light. Why had Seifer been looking for him? How had he managed to stay alive?  
  
"That can't be! You can't be dead," Seifer said firmly, as he slowly sank back down to the stairs, resting his back against the stone wall. He set the bag down beside him and looked inside for his bottle of water. "Are ghosts then? Do you remember my name?"  
  
Squall relaxed a little, a look of puzzlement coming over his face. What was Seifer up to? Was this some kind of trick? Yet the Seifer he knew wouldn't be wandering around in such an unkempt state- certainly not confronting his archrival without looking polished. Squall let his hands fall to his sides- what did it matter if Seifer killed him? It would just mean he could rest...  
  
"I'm no better than a ghost- and you should be one. We thought you were dead, Seifer."  
  
It hurt to think about it, so Seifer ran a hand through his dirty blond hair and looked up at his dream. "That's my name? Seifer?" Holding his bag, he levered himself back up to his feet. He'd done something bad, something big, and he couldn't remember it, did not want to remember it. Suddenly he closed his eyes as if that could keep the demon memory out. Sharp fingers, long nails, sharp against the bad of his head, just above his neck. "Relax, accept," a female voice hissed in his ear, "You are my knight still and I will have you obedient."  
  
"No! No! Get the fuck off me!" His own voice yelled in the memory.  
  
When he opened his yes, the memory was gone though, lost and distant. "Are you sad? Why are you sad? What is your name?"  
  
Squall looked down at the gray stones between his feet. Gray like his eyes, gray like the world after Rinoa.  
  
"It's none of your business."  
  
But...what trick was this? Why was Seifer playing with him? Didn't know his name, didn't know why he was just a shadow of his former self, didn't even know his own name!  
  
"Squall- like you needed me to tell you that Seifer. What are you playing at? I don't want company."  
  
The first person he had seen in weeks, and it had to be this eerie phantom of Seifer, looking like a castaway, pretending not to have any memory. But...there was something strange about his demeanor- the arrogance was gone. Could he be telling the truth...?  
  
"Squall," Seifer said the name as if it were a scared magic word, a talisman he'd lost, but now found. "Squall."  
  
Squall, the beauty of the name distracted him. This man wasn't the only one not to walk Seifer around though, and had the solid impression that there weren't a lot of places for him to go. An old echo of pride stirred up in him though. "Fine. I don't want to, uh, be here if you don't want company, but," Seifer took at step down the stairs, his hand on the smaller sketch book, as he wondered if he should give it to this man, now that he'd found him. What a hole full of nothing seemed to wait for him when he walked away. Book still in his hand, he rubbed the back of his hand over his forehead, over the scar there. "But, were we friends?"  
  
Squall sat down on the cold stone step, putting his head into his hands. If Seifer decided to kill him when he wasn't looking- fine. But this Seifer didn't even seem capable of making sense, much less attacking him out of nowhere.  
  
Friends...Squall felt a strange tightness in his chest. They had never been friends exactly, but they hadn't been enemies either until last year. He had...been very disappointed- looking at things in retrospect- when Seifer had gone over to the Sorceress pursuing his dreams of glory and romance. Squall had envied him a little, for being so bold in following what he wanted, but he had gone about it the wrong way- putting innocent lives at risk.  
  
"No. We were never friends." He said quietly. "But we didn't have to be enemies either- that was your choice."  
  
He didn't want Seifer to leave- the thought struck him like a bullet. All the sudden he felt connected to the world again, that month of isolation hadn't been able to cut off his awareness of what was going on beyond the walls of Matron's home, but now...seeing Seifer- everything became concrete again.  
  
Including Rinoa's death...but that had never been far from his mind, or ever seemed unreal- just horrible beyond anything that had ever happened in Squall's life.  
  
"If we weren't friends, how come thinking about finding you gave me something to live for? I thought I'd never find you sometimes. I'm really sorry, Squall with Gray Eyes," Seifer said, slinging his bag over his shoulder. The little book was too precious to him to give away. "I must have done something very bad. Where do people who have done things that make them monsters go, Squall?"  
  
Seifer smiled lightly, it probably didn't really matter what Squall said, he doubted he'd remember it long after he walked away.  
  
Seifer had thought about him in order to stay alive? Why? Thoughts of revenge had kept him living through whatever he had gone through the past year...? Too many questions- like why did Seifer talk about his eyes like that.  
  
He really didn't seem to have any memory. The old Seifer wouldn't be sneaky...he'd march up to Squall, decked out in all his finery, his boots and gunblade polished, and challenge him to a duel. Squall could almost see it- his blond hair shaken slightly by the wind, the smell of metal and gunpowder on the air as they stood, waiting, watching for an opening...his hand drifted up to the scar Seifer had given him.  
  
A year ago he'd have let Seifer go without a thought. Now, Rinoa's legacy lived on even after she had perished. Squall found he couldn't stop thinking, couldn't stop caring like he had used to. Now he worried, now he wanted to help- that was why he had to get away where there was no one to bother him, no problems except his own ruined heart to worry about.  
  
And here was Seifer with his cryptic, haunting words and answerless questions. And Squall felt he had to help him- and he hated himself for it.  
  
"Now that you've found me...you're just going to leave again?"  
  
Why had he said "Again"? He hadn't meant to say that...  
  
Holding onto the railing now, panting slightly, emotions making even this light exertion too much. "I left before? I am a fool. Do you want me to stay? I could make myself helpful." Seifer let his eyes closed, trying to catch his breath. It was when he closed his eyes though, that memories caught him. This time it was him, tall and decked out in new clothes, a brand new gun-blade in his hands. He remembered grinning at a younger Squall, thinking he'd impress him, get some of the boy's attention. With a gasp he opened his eyes and desperately grasped for the memory which had felt so good, but it was gone, leaving nothing in the empty landscape of his mind. His voices hoarse, "I've known you a long time, haven't I?"  
  
"Ever since we were just kids..."  
  
Seifer sounded really bad, Squall was convinced- he had actually lost his memory. Maybe it was for the best, maybe his mind had simply shut down under the weight of its guilt...  
  
But Seifer hadn't felt guilty about what he had been doing. He had never believed anything other than that he was always in the right- that he was a noble figure defending his Lady against the "bad Guys" Squall and his friends...  
  
"Where would you go if you left?"  
  
Not that he wanted him to go- not exactly that, not really...but- he wasn't about to invite him to stay...  
  
Not yet...at least.  
  
"You musta been a cute kid, Squall," Seifer said, forcing himself to take one more step down the stairs. It had taken him a while, longer than his memory could hold at the moment to make it up the stairs this far. And he found he really did want to see what was at the top, that it was some place important to him.  
  
Where would he go? He had no memory of any place farther away than the stairs. "I guess I'd just walk down the beach, that way," he pointed off down the beach, "It's got to go somewhere. Then I'd be there. But I really kinda wanted to see what was up there." Now he pointed up the stairs to what showed above. "It feels like it was important to me, like there might be someone there who knew me. But if it's not good for me to go there, I can just leave, if you think that's best."  
  
Seifer forced a smile and his lower lip actually cracked it was so dry. His water bottle! He'd almost forgotten it. Carefully, he reached for it, inching his way down the wall, one arm against it to help keep his balance.  
  
What did Seifer mean- he had been a cute kid? How was that supposed to have anything to do with what was going on. God this was so frustrating. Seeing Seifer like this moved Squall's heart to pity. The other man would have rather died than be knowingly reduced to this wretched state.  
  
"So you do remember things! How do you remember what I looked like when I was younger?"  
  
Squall squeezed his head between his hands. Seifer- Seifer the White Knight, utterly clueless and thinking he could just wander off into monster infested territory- there were no settlements within easy distance of Matron's home.  
  
"No..." He sighed, getting up slowly. "No you don't have to go- you should at least go up..."  
  
Up to Matron's home where they had spent the early years of their lives together, all of them. Seifer was one of them...there couldn't be any denying that. He had just as much a right to visit their old home as Squall did- even if he didn't remember exactly why it was important.  
  
Squall stepped down towards Seifer, impulsively hooking an arm under his to keep him from falling over- he looked like he was about to collapse on the worn steps at any moment.  
  
"I'll take you up" He said quietly. "We used to live there together."  
  
"We did?" Seifer asked, even as he cringed just a little from the touch. "Are you my brother? I remember things sometimes, but then they slip away and I can't remember them any more. Why did I go away?"  
  
Seifer reached for Squall's hand and squeezed his fingers lightly. Seifer's hands weren't calloused anymore, soft and dirty, skinnier than they had been. In the palace when time compression had started, in timelessness, he'd been forgotten in the cell he'd earned for himself. Everyone forgot him. If there had not been water from the sink, he probably would have died. Memories tried to claw their way to the front of his tangled mind, but he refused to close his eyes. "There is a woman," he whispered, "with long nails and if she comes, I'll have to leave. I don't want her to find you."  
  
Squall tried to ignore Seifer's hesitant questions- and the soft touch of his hand, but it was impossible on both counts. Seifer's ignorance was hurting Squall in some way that he didn't understand. It didn't seem right that everything they had gone through should be forgotten- that Seifer could forget everything he had done.  
  
Brothers...Squall stumbled a little as he guided Seifer up towards the ruin. Maybe they had been brothers of a kind, very competitive, hurtful brothers...  
  
"No, I'm not your brother- we just grew up together."  
  
The woman with long nails- he was describing the Sorceress- or all of them. Why was his first impulse to tell Seifer that he wouldn't let it happen? Wouldn't let the Sorceress take him again? Nothing was making sense- least of all himself.  
  
"That sounds like the Sorceress- she had long nails. You worked for her." He put a hand on Seifer's chest to keep the young man from stepping on a loose stone.  
  
"Step over that. I don't think she'll find you- she's dead, she died when we thought you died."  
  
"Dead? Are you sure," Seifer asked, his hand flying to the back of his head, not sure why, but once it was there he started scratching. He took a deep breath, slowly. It felt very good, so good. Then the rest of what the man with the gray eyes said made a connection in his mind. "Worked for her? Bad. She was bad."  
  
Seifer held out one hand, as if he expected to see long nails on his own hand and maybe he could for a moment, so kaleidoscope was his mental process right then. Blood covered his fingers though and he couldn't stop staring, even as Gray Eyes guided him up the stairs. Then a different memory grabbed him, of waiting outside Garden, for several hours, waiting for this one to get there. "I waited for you, when you first came, to a place, big place, and you wouldn't smile at me. Did I make you mad?"  
  
"What?"  
  
Squall stopped to look at Seifer, his eye's widening as he took in the blood covering the young man's hand.  
  
"You're hurt." His collar was stained with blood. He leaned over Seifer's neck, gently pushing his head down to see what was bothering him-  
  
"Oh my god..." 


	2. Chapter 2

"Oh my god..."

Squall felt like retching. A huge, bleeding hole had been knocked in the back of Seifer's head. He could see the skull beneath, the bone gleaming dully in the fading light. He didn't respond to Seifer's questions- he didn't contemplate what his actions implied, he just tensed his legs and scooped Seifer up into his arms. 

He hardly weighed a thing, Squall wondered at how   emaciated he must be under his coat. "You're hurt- I'm taking you to the Ragnarok to get a better look at that thing."

The other Seifer might have left him for dead if it had been Squall...but something told him that he might not- that he had fought with honor, even if it was misguided. Squall couldn't just leave this man to die, no matter what Seifer had done. For a moment he wondered if this is what Seifer had been like in the beginning, even before Squall had met him. What had made him into such an arrogant, delusional fool? 

Maybe he'd find out later- maybe it didn't matter. He started to run, who knew how long Seifer had been bleeding his brains out.

Fear hit him, but he really didn't have the strength to struggle. He didn't have the nature to beg either. When Squall started to run, the jolt of it sent pain through him and made it harder to breath, but his world started to go black. It was okay though, to die now.  With his bloody fingers he reached up and touched this man's face. It felt, in this memory fragment, that he'd wanted to say this for so long, voice barely above a whisper, "I love you, Gray Eyes."  It didn't even matter if it was heard. He'd said it. Now he could surrender to the darkness calling him. 

Those same eye's were wide with worry and fear as Squall ran up the steps and threw open the door, bracing Seifer against his chest as he did so. When Seifer touched him he stopped, astonished. 

"What do you mean?" He asked, his voice ragged with desperation. "Seifer! What do you mean?"

Nothing, Seifer's eyes were drifting closed, he had gone limp in Squall's arms. 

"Seifer! Damn you answer me! What are you saying?"

What did he mean? He loved Squall? It was mad! Squall loved Rinoa, Seifer loved only Glory. Rinoa was dead, Squall would never love again, and Seifer was reduced to this- this pathetic thing. What did Seifer mean? Had he mistaken him for someone else? There had to be other people with gray eyes that Seifer had met while he traveled the world. 

"Shit." He staggered out of the house and sprinted for the hatch of the dragonship. All of this in one day- it was like old times.

That thought alone made his knees weak with sudden terror, if Seifer died...he didn't want to think about it.

Seifer looked like a heap of rags, almost ready to fall apart as Squall stepped back from the medi-surg table. Blond hair fanned out above his head. Squall covered his mouth as the image of Seifer's head wound reasserted its self into his mind.  "Activate" He growled the command that was start the med-drones.

The one above the table, a sphere of lights and odd shaped tools, jerked to life, sliding down the track above the table. A solid beam of blue light descended and scanned over the unconscious blond.  "Initial assessment complete. Communicate Diagnoses or commence treatment?"

Squall put his hands on the edge of the table, the metal cold against his skin.

"Tell me what's wrong with him." Besides the fact that he has a hole in his head. He shouldn't even be alive with a wound like that- there was something more to all of this.

The drone chirped.

"Subject has sustained severe damage to the rear of the cranium, severe blood loss, severe malnutrition, and trauma. A technomagical device has been implanted in the head wound- fracturing the skull and preventing natural healing. Estimated time to cessation of brain activity- two minutes and ten seconds."

Squall searched Seifer's thin face. The man's skin was gray and smudged with dirt, his eye's were sunken into their sockets. This wasn't how he wanted to remember Seifer for the rest of his life- how much easier it had been when he thought Seifer had died just as proud and as stubborn as always.

"Commence treatment!"

Wait- a technomagical device? What did that mean?

"Wait! What's this device? Will you be able to get it out safely?"

Another squeak from the drone and the toneless electronic voice replied.  "Device appears to be a variant of that discovered in other victims of the Sorceress- use is apparently for mind control and memory suppression purposes. Please direct your healing magic onto the target to facilitate complete success of the operation."

Squall took a step back, touching the fingers of one hand to his forehead. He hadn't done this for a while. He had only taken one Guardian Force with him when he left the others- Shiva, whose cold nature seemed to suit him best. That and she was his first Guardian Force- it was easier to give up the others. He could feel her inside of himself, irritated at his lack of action. But when he pressed her- she, sensing the urgency in his thoughts abandoned her resistance, sinking back into the silent acceptance of their bond.

"Curaga!" Squall thrust his palm out towards Seifer- light bloomed around the fallen man. From the machines around the table came a low hum, and beams of light began to trace over the wound. Mechanical arms descended from the ceiling to vanish in the glow of Squall's spells. He kept it up, pouring his healing magic over Seifer. He didn't have as much as he used to, it hadn't seemed necessary, but what he had left would have to do.

His lips formed a silent prayer as he worked in tandem with the machine. 

Live...please Seifer...

Small arms descended from the drone, unfolding as they reached for Seifer.  The table itself  unfolded, opening little gutters on the side for blood, debris.  More drones came up from the side, moving over smaller injuries as well as gently refraining Seifer during critical moments.  Very slowly one arm pulled back, drawing a small broken silver orb and a spider web slender net of strands. It seemed to go on forever before it was deposited in a clear container and sealed. 

After that, the drones finished quickly.  They withdrew, leaving a shivering, naked, and breathing Seifer.  The central drone re-descended a hypodermic extending towards Seifer's thigh. The blue fluid disappeared into him.  Seifer rolled on the table, slowly coming back awake. His green eyes, now looking a bit healthier, looked right into Squall's without much recognition... until he blinked, then looked again. "You're him! You're the one I've been looking for!" 

He reached out to him, sleep or another faint threatening him already. He was a good thirty pounds lighter than he had been before, but all the bruises were gone now and his skin looked healthy, fresh and young.  

Thinking to keep Seifer from falling off the bed- Squall grabbed the outstretched hand in a firm grip. Seifer's hand was so smooth- so unlike the hands of the warrior Squall had fought against. 

"Lay still- your weak."

But Seifer had implied more in his statement than the simple fact that Squall had been the object of his questing. 

I love you Gray Eyes. Seifer had meant him. Why would Seifer say such a thing? They had been rivals, they had fought each other bitterly every step of the way since they were little. It hadn't been a hatred exactly...not quite. Squall had even admired Seifer...but- but love? What was this? Maybe it was just a by product of his tortured mind. Maybe the last thing he had fixated on before he lost his memory was his rivalry with Squall- and from that faint memory of his eyes he developed a kind of fascination and obsession that he thought must be love.

All this thinking was making Squall edgy. The plain facts were that Seifer didn't remember who he was- but he remembered bits of Squall and claimed to love him.

Very disturbing indeed. And he was still holding Seifer's hand. He didn't let go either- what if he fell off the bed and split his wound open?

"Just take it easy Seifer...I'm going to try and help you."

Help Seifer- but he had to remind himself that this wasn't the Seifer who had done all those horrible things...maybe they would fight if that Seifer came back, but now- killing this Seifer would be like killing a child.

Seifer held Squall's hand as tightly as he could. "Doesn't hurt any more," he whispered, making sure his eyes didn't close. As the effects of the removal though were already taking effect. He didn't feel strong enough to really sit up or move, but his thoughts were clearing, rapidly. And he didn't know how he got where he was, but he knew he was naked, and he was holding the hand of the man he'd loved so long it was written into his soul. "Uh, this is gonna sound pretty stupid maybe, but a couple things,  1, where am I? 2, Do you know I'm in love with you? And uh, three, and this is gonna sound righteous stupid, but, what's my name?"

Squall tried to let the words breeze past him, or go through him or over him or something! He just didn't want them to sink it. What was Seifer saying. I love you- it was nonsense. Seifer wasn't...like that and neither was Squall.  He would just have to be patient. He had committed himself to this by saving Seifer's life. And...it didn't feel bad either. Squall thought that it would be a burden and an annoyance having someone intrude on his life. But it was only when Seifer came stumbling into his privacy that he realized...and he hated to admit it but he realized how lonely he had been! 

Ever since Rinoa died he had been alone. No one could cheer him up or make his grief any less. But Seifer- Seifer was somehow different. For a few moments he had been so worried about saving his life that he had forgotten how much he was hurting inside. It was cathartic to be nursing his rival back to health. 

There had to be something perverted about it, but Squall didn't ponder that, he just tried to figure out how to respond to Seifer's crazy statements.

"Your on the spaceship Ragnarok, you said that before- though I can't imagine why- and you're Seifer...Seifer Almasy."


	3. Chapter 3

"Seifer. That's a nice name," he said, struggling now to sit up. "Do you maybe have some clothes I could wear? It's not cold in here or anything, but, uh, you got clothes on."  
  
Feeling better than he could remember, he ran a hand through his much cleaner hair. Everything just felt so much better! "And is there any food? I don't think I got any money, but I can draw. Wanna see some?"  
  
Squall shook his head. This was just too weird. But it was happening all the same- that much was certain. He almost wished it was some kind of dream brought on by too much sun. Almost.  
  
"I don't have any clothes..." Wait- there were some lab suits back in the storage closet...Squall opened one of the large red metal lockers lining the wall of the infirmary. There a half dozen lab coats and trousers swung slightly on their metal hangers. Squall grabbed up a pair and brought them over to the bed, laying them down at Seifer's feet.  
  
"That takes care of clothes. As for food- you don't have to pay. But..." He was curious...Seifer was an artist? He hadn't known that. Or was it just something new unlocked by his memory loss?  
  
"You can show me the drawings if you want to..."  
  
He darted into the galley for an apple and brought it back, holding it out in his hand to Seifer.  
  
"Start with something small, if you eat too fast after being healed you'll vomit."  
  
For a moment the apple was all Seifer could see, red, sweet he was sure. With a trembling and he took hold of the apple. He got himself into a sitting position and holding it in both hands, proceeded to devour it. It hit his stomach hard though. He hadn't had solid food in weeks, since he'd been locked away in that cell. His stomach cramped dreadfully, but he ignored it. He was not going to lose that food!  
  
Slowly he reached for the clothes that had been brought for him. The coat was easy, and felt good to put it on, clothes the buttons, felt like some measure of pride coming back. Getting down off the table though was another matter and he got the pants on and slipped off the table carefully. Once he was standing, he pulled them up and tied the cord in a knot not a bow. His hair was a little longer than it had been and he needed a shave as well, but nothing more than a few days growth. "Where is my bag?"  
  
Squall watched with impassive eyes as Seifer dressed himself. What was nudity? Male nudity especially had no particular mystery for him. Clothes were the norm- why bother with what was underneath? Squall shrugged eloquently. How should he know where the bag was? He gave a silent sigh, shaking his head a little.  
  
"I don't know- it's probably around here somewhere..."  
  
He craned his neck to see over the other side of the examination table. Sure enough- there was Seifer's beat-up bag.  
  
"It's on the floor behind you."  
  
Seifer breathed a sigh of relief and quickly walked around to his bag. He squatted down, got it and slung it over his shoulder. Trying to clear his thoughts, he fingered the strap to his bag. The confusion that had been there before was gone now, but in its place was a great big empty place. He knew that he was with Squall, that he loved him and it felt like he had forever. He knew that in his bag were sketch books, and pencils, and a small knife for sharpening his pencils and sometimes shaving.  
  
There were a few general impressions he could gather. Squall wasn't exactly thrilled to have him there. It was awkward and Seifer had no idea why. He didn't even remember getting there or how long he'd been there. He ran a hand through his hair, fingers touching the base of his skull, only to be surprised that it was healed, nothing unusual there. It didn't even itch. This was something Squall had done. The man was a friend then. Seifer smiled, an unguarded and genuine smile that lit up his green eyes. "Thanks," he wasn't sure what all Squall had done, more than food and clothes and healing the back of his head. "I want to do something nice for you now."  
  
Squall covered his face with one hand. He didn't know how to deal with a sweet, appreciative Seifer. This utterly non-threatening Seifer, lacking all his arrogance...how was he supposed to communicate with this person who looked like Seifer but...but wasn't. Yet- the Seifer who he knew had been cruel and hard and blind to everything else except his own advancement in life. Once upon a time that wouldn't have seemed so bad to Squall, but now he had all these emotions locked up inside himself and no where to put them.  
  
"Oh Rinoa..." He whispered. "Why did you have to..."  
  
He had been without the guiding star of his life for a full month now- it was amazing that he had survived that long. It was so hard to think or to do anything any more...nothing seemed to have value. Rinoa had found the key to his heart and opened it wide- and then she had...gone, without teaching him what to do with those feelings. She had been everything to him...  
  
And here was Seifer- his enemy, helpless like some kind of little animal in need of guidance. His puppy-like trust was sickening. He wanted to do something nice for Squall- what could he do to ease the burning, rending pain?  
  
"There's nothing you can do."  
  
Smiling, Seifer took a step forward. All the anger and arrogance, the pain that drove that were gone now, but the determination, stubbornness, and even confidence, those were all deeply a part of who Seifer was. "There has to be something. I just haven't found it yet." He wanted to offer his hand to this important person. He felt like he'd crossed some great void to be here, walked through hell to be here, and it settled into him that he wasn't going to leave, that he was going to see this man happy.  
  
Perhaps Squall was in love with this Rinoa. He didn't where this Rinoa was or if something bad had happened to her, but he'd find out.  
  
Squall turned around quickly, not wanting to face Seifer at such close quarters. Why did he have to get closer? Wasn't the examination table good enough? And he wasn't giving up the idea of doing something for Squall either. But in all the world there was only one thing Squall could wish for...  
  
"You can't bring her back Seifer...even if your somehow still alive- you can't bring her back."  
  
Nothing could bring her back. It wasn't fair, why did Seifer survive- why did any of them survive when Rinoa died?  
  
Squall walked slowly to the entrance of the med lab and leaned heavily against the wall, still keeping his back to Seifer. He probably didn't even remember her, Seifer forgetting Rinoa...it made him sick. Once Squall had vowed never to become just a memory- but to be forgotten...was even worse.  
  
"You don't remember her do you?"  
  
Seifer swallowed. He'd committed some crime and he didn't even know what it was. He sighed and put a hand on the table to make standing a little easier. Can't bring her back? She was dead. Seifer felt a deep sense of dread, hoping he hadn't had anything to do with her dying. What did he remember about magic and dying? This woman's soul would live still, he thought. Maybe he could learn some magic still, maybe he'd had magic at one point, yes that seemed to feel true in his mind. Maybe he could trade himself for this woman, if that would make Squall happy. "I don't remember her, but maybe there is some magic that could make a trade?"  
  
That hurt more to say than he'd expected, but he meant it.  
  
"I wish there was!"  
  
Squall rounded on Seifer, a fist clenched to his chest- right over where the pain was worst.  
  
"I'd trade you for her in a minute- in less than a heartbeat! Why should you live- your just a killer like the rest of us, but your even worse- you didn't even care that you were hurting everyone, if it wasn't for you maybe she wouldn't have...wouldn't have..." His voice broke, Squall found his eyes were starting to burn.  
  
"She might not have died..." He scrubbed the back of a hand across his eyes. He wouldn't cry in front of Seifer- that would be the ultimate humiliation.  
  
  
  
"Oh God I wish there was a way..."  
  
Tears filled Seifer's eyes and rolled down his face without the slightest hint of self consciousness. Dark pain and sorrow filled him, covering over all the emptiness of his memory. He was a monster and he had atonement to do. He would find a way to atone for what he'd done. If Squall didn't know of a way to trade him for Rinoa though, the must not be a way to do it. "Kill me for my crimes then! I give you my life, what's left of it. Set me to some task, fight me? I was a fighter, I was your enemy?" That was the answer perhaps, to find a way to bleed that anger away, give Squall a sense of justice. Seifer blinked, hot tears slicking down his face. Maybe if he were to fulfill some justice, it would free him of his anger? He steeled his voice to sound angry, provoking and was surprised at how easy it came, second nature to be aggressive. "Let there be justice!" 


	4. Chapter 4

What? Seifer was crying like a baby! Real tears! He couldn't remember ever seeing Seifer cry...but this- this wasn't Seifer! At least not as he remembered him. But then, if he didn't have the memories of the old Seifer, was he accountable for what that Seifer had done? Squall didn't think so...but it tore his guts.  
  
"Justice?" He hissed, glaring at Seifer. "There is no justice in the world- only senseless pain. We are all cursed, God hates us for our stupidity. We fight and kill each other for nothing. We die..." He gulped air, biting his lip and drawing blood- the coppery taste burst into his mouth, filled his nostrils. Maybe Seifer was fine with crying, making a fool of himself. Squall wouldn't humiliate himself like that.  
  
"We die for no purpose, and those who deserve to die..." He gnawed at the wound, wrestling with the hate within his soul. A hand shot out and grabbed Seifer's collar. He would smash his head against the table, would break his skull apart and put an end to him forever...no...no...would it really make him feel any better to kill Seifer? No...killing never made anyone happy...Rinoa wouldn't want him to kill Seifer.  
  
That thought undid him. He didn't finish his sentence, he let go of Seifer and stormed out through the door. He had barely gone two steps beyond the auto-sealing door before he fell to his knees, sobbing harsh, rending sobs, his hot tears splashing over the cold metal floor plates.  
  
Seifer was physically shaken when Squall let him go. Adrenalin made him jittery, cost him his breath, until he dropped to his knees, his bag falling from his shoulder to the metal floor. "What did I do," he whispered to the empty air, "Help me make it right!"  
  
There was no one listening to Seifer though and he had to go on what he felt, what he thought, the little he knew. He was bad, but he could make it up. He had to keep trying until he found a way. If he weren't meant to, why did he get to find his way here?  
  
Exhausted and shaky, he gripped the metal table and pulled himself back to his feet. He didn't think he could go to Squall, comfort him. Squall wished him dead, wished him traded for this woman Rinoa. More tears fell and he laid his head on the cold metal. It hurt that there were memories just beyond what he could reach, so very frustrating. Only the feeling persisted that he'd loved Squall a long time. Maybe he hadn't liked this woman at all. Maybe he'd been jealous of her? What was he going to do now?  
  
He didn't know. Slowly he picked up his bag and took out the little knife, not really thinking about what to do with it. The little knife, it had a wooden handle and carved into the wood was an S on one side and another on the other side. It had an old familiar feel to it. He'd shave, that's what he'd do, then he'd find Squall... Squall was in so much pain, and he'd caused it. He wanted to go to him, try to help. If Squall didn't want to kill him though, what was he to do?  
  
It was forgetting Rinoa that had hurt Squall a lot. And that thought gave him an idea. Nervously he put his little knife away and closed the bag. It took a moment to get up his nerve, but Seifer didn't back down from anything. That felt like an old way of being too.  
  
The door opened for him as soon as he got close and he put a hand against the wall to steady himself. "I have an idea. Remind me of her, tell me of her, make me know her like you do? And then, let's build her a monument, and make it so no one will ever forget her?"  
  
The energy it took to say that took most of what Seifer had, and he sank down to the floor, leaning his head against the wall. "I'll move stones and we'll build it high and grand so no one will ever forget her."  
  
Squall sniffed quietly, shaking in grief and rage. He wrapped his arms around himself and willed the tears to stop. Slowly, very slowly the spasms subsided. He felt so weak- he couldn't kill Seifer, he didn't know what to do, and Rinoa was just a memory for him, already forgotten by others.  
  
"I don't..."  
  
He was going to tell Seifer that he didn't want his hands defiling anything in Rinoa's name. But what was the point? Nothing had a point- Seifer's reappearance only drove that point home. There was no order in the world, nothing they did mattered.  
  
So why don't you just kill yourself and get it all over with Squall?  
  
He couldn't...he wanted to but- but there was something. His friends would miss him, miss him as much as he missed Rinoa...he didn't want them to experience the kind of grief that he had. They mourned for her, all of them had loved her- but not as much as Squall...  
  
Not as much as Squall.  
  
"I could never do her justice." He sighed, his chin drooping onto his chest. Squall felt as though he could fall asleep right there, drained of all energy and only barely holding on to the will to live. But he had to deal with Seifer. Maybe it should have been funny, Seifer coming back from the dead to hound him in the twilight of his life...at age eighteen. At the time when most people were still kids he was already a broken man.  
  
You're pathetic Squall- the thought invaded his most private grief- Your not half the man you used to be. Would Rinoa like to see you like this? Would she be happy to know that you gave up after she died? Do you want to tell her that when you do die? I'm sorry Rinoa I just gave up? What are you made of?  
  
Flesh! He moaned to his malicious conscience. Flesh and bone and all of humanity's faults.  
  
Rinoa loved him even for those thoughts.  
  
But Rinoa was dead!  
  
Did that make it less valuable? Wouldn't it be throwing away her love to just die? To destroy the Squall she loved so well?  
  
Squall couldn't take it. He lurched to his feet, stumbled over to Seifer and put a hand on his shoulder- the other hand pressed tightly to his face, only his eyes peeped out between his fingers.  
  
"Take me back...back to the house- I need to rest."  
  
Seifer laid a hand over Squall's hand and stood up away from the wall, turning so that Squall's arm was over his shoulder, at least offering his shoulder. "I will take you, and make you some thing to eat. Show me the way?"  
  
Moving very slowly, Squall made his way down the interior of the Ragnarok. He leaned heavily on Seifer, but looked only at the gray metal platting under his feet. His booted footfalls echoed through the belly of the ship- a hollow sound. Seifer's bare feet made little noise, a kind of chuff- chuffing as his perspiration clung to the cold steel. At this point he didn't care that he was relying on Seifer, he just wanted to get back to the cool, damp shade of the ruined orphanage and bury his head under the covers.  
  
Seifer began to feel useful and that was good. Useful was good. He could help, but Squall was so sad. "What kind of things do you like to eat?"  
  
As soon as they were out of the ship, Seifer froze. The sight of the place he'd grown up in overwhelmed him. It was huge and voices of memories made a distant hum in the far back of his mind. He held on to Squall's hand and stared at the place. Lightheaded, he tried to understand what he felt. He didn't wanna ask Squall anymore questions either. Slowly he started walking again, bare feet on the rubble strewn ground without even feeling it. His emotions were just too intense to feel something like rocks on his feet. "Show me where to go, please."  
  
Squall ignored both of Seifer's questions. Once they were near to the shattered entryway he pulled free- gently- and stumbled through the cracked archway into the darkness. He kept no lights burning within the orphanage, melodramatic maybe, but it seemed appropriate.  
  
Squall stumbled wearily over to his makeshift pallet and fell down heavily, rolling onto his back, his head pillowed on a stuffed duffel bag. He threw an arm over his face and lay still as a dead man, his chest hardly moving as it slowly drew in the stale, moist air. He didn't care what Seifer did from there, he could go throw himself back into the sea for all Squall cared.  
  
Why then did he suddenly have a vision of dashing after Seifer to keep him from doing just that? 


	5. Chapter 5

Maybe it was just some sleep he needed- damn the nightmares...  
  
Seifer stood for a moment, watching Squall. His thoughts clear now, even with no memories, this felt familiar. Shut out. That's familiar. Cold and alone. Seifer crossed his arms across his chest and glared for a moment. He had to make atonement though and Squall never had to like him, but he still needed to protect him, help him.  
  
Maybe there would be something in his bag, maybe offer him his sketch book. Silently, he withdrew and went back to the ship for his bag. Searching through it on the way back, he found tea, yes, he was sure it was tea, and stuff to start a fire. A quick survey of the house showed him no kitchen, no place to cook, but he did find a beat up old pot and so he set about making a small fire on the back by the stairs. He had his own cup, a small little folding plastic thing, so he couldn't make the tea too hot.  
  
When it was cooled enough, he poured some in the cup and carried it back to Squall. "Squall, tea?"  
  
Squall stirred a little. He was thirsty, he didn't want to accept Seifer's kindness. It was weird, and it stung something inside himself that he didn't want to think was pride.  
  
The faint scent of freshly brewed tea floated across the room and lodged in Squall's nostrils. It was unavoidably tempting. Was there some deep harm in taking a cup of tea? It wasn't like Seifer had come this far just to poison him.  
  
"Yeah sure..." He whispered, not uncovering his face.  
  
With trembling fingers, Seifer held out the cup. "I didn't have any sugar," he said, apologetically. "Are you hungry? You look very tense. Would you like me to rub your back?"  
  
The memory grabbed Seifer hard and he clenched his eyes shut for just a moment. Small, he was young, very small, here in this place, nightmare, then this man, brown red hair, still a mess, and waking him in the middle of the night, such a scowl on his face. Little Seifer, "Want me to rub your back?" He'd say anything to not be alone in the dark. That glare just staring back at him, hard to read, but it wasn't positive. "Yeah, okay fine! See if I care," Little Seifer snarled. When he opened his eyes, the room seemed light, even though it was dark. The memory was fading away, not as fast though, leaving some lingering feeling that he'd done all this before as he waited for Squall's response.  
  
With a sigh Squall lurched upright, leaning on one hand as he reached out to take the tea. Grrr...it was just out of his fingers reach. Was that intentional or was Seifer's coordination missing along with his memory?  
  
Squall's memory wasn't the best...the Guardian Forces had been eating a hole in his mind since he had begun to junction them. But they had power- and he didn't want to remember much anyway...  
  
Did he want to remember Rinoa and all the pain- forever? He could junction an army of Guardian Forces, go into battle in a frenzy, let them devour his mind...no more memories, no more pain, no more guilt...  
  
But would life without the memory of Rinoa even be life? It would be a mockery of life- worse than death.  
  
This was a place for memories. He remembered vaguely how Seifer and he had tussled in these halls, in this room...it seemed like a long, long, long time ago.  
  
"I can't reach the tea." He didn't answer Seifer's other question. Silence was enough.  
  
Holding the tea with both hands, he took a step forward and put the tea in his hands, making sure it was well in his fingers. It made his throat constrict to touch Squall's fingers. As soon as the tea was in Squall's grasp, Seifer sat down on the pallet next to him. This was both because he needed to get off his feet and because it made it easier to reach Squall's shoulders.  
  
With just one hand, he gently touched Squall's shoulder. All that white fur around his shoulders looked too thick to massage through, but he found it soft to the touch, and easy to get his fingers under the long strands. He rolled his thumb over the tight muscles, then slid it along pressing as hard as he could, which probably wouldn't be as hard as he might have been able to do before. "Take your jacket off?"  
  
Squall bent his head over the tea, letting the warm vapors fill his senses. It had a soothing effect on him. He wrapped both his hands around the small cup, staring into the liquid which shivered ever so slightly in his grasp. He could feel Seifer's fingers on his shoulder, his muscles gave a brief of discomfort but he ignored them. So he was tense, so what? He was always tense. But Seifer's touch through his jacket was somehow strangely unsatisfying.  
  
Squall brought the cup to his lips, sipping a tiny amount of the hot drink. He made a noncommittal sound, let Seifer think what he would.  
  
Turning so he could reach both of Squall's shoulders he pressed his thumbs into his shoulders, massaging. He was also ready to move if Squall gave the slightest bit of resistance. Squall's hair was dirty, greasy. They were both a mess. Something really big and not good must have come into both of their lives, Seifer thought. This woman had died, for one thing. Not remembering her left a giant hole in Seifer, which quickly lead to him wondering just what all he didn't remember.  
  
When his thoughts had been so confused, he hadn't realized how bad off he was. Now it was obvious to him that something was very wrong with him. He hoped that Squall would say his name again, because he wasn't going to ask again. Diligently, he worked down Squall's back, silently easing away the tension.  
  
Squall tried to ignore two very distinct and related facts. He was getting a backrub from Seifer, and it felt good. He supposed it didn't matter who was doing it so much, this Seifer wasn't much like the old one, but Squall had always held physical contact to be a kind of taboo- it meant you were getting too close to that person, and when you got too close you were going to get hurt.  
  
He rubbed the thin cup, listening to it as it crinkled softly under his touch. He sipped more of the hot liquid, not caring as it burned his tongue and throat. Pain was good, it was a different kind of pain than that which had him waking sweaty and cold with the taste of ashes in his mouth and the faintest sound of Rinoa's song in his ears. Something that Seifer had said was bothering him. Squall had known that he loved Rinoa, that he loved Rinoa more than any other person, even more than Sis- and that was in a different way. Why did Seifer say he loved Squall? More than being strange and impossible, it was upsetting.  
  
"Why did you say that you loved me, Seifer?"  
  
To Seifer it was just answering a question, his memory loss left him without walls, without knowing about emotional traps and fears that had kept him silent before. Still massaging even though his fingers were feeling sore, worrying that it was important what he had to say now, he said, "Because you fill my mind, thinking of you makes me feel hope and joy, because even though I can't remember events, this feeling's got roots back into the black whole of my stupid head. I mean, I guess that's the only word I have for this feeling. I mean that even when there's nothing left in my head, I'm still looking for you. I mean, I need to see you okay and happy."  
  
Because you make me feel safe, because you make me feel whole...  
  
Rinoa...  
  
The pain, the memory of fire and light and death, death everywhere and love and life going out in a moment...  
  
Squall pulled away from Seifer, forcing his weary muscles to respond. He stalked over to the far side of the room and lay his forehead on the cool, mossy stone.  
  
"I don't deserve anyone's love."  
  
He meant it exactly as he said it. Love was real- he couldn't deny that any longer. He and Rinoa had shared love, and now that she was gone Squall could never be whole again. Seifer was sick, delusional...and Squall felt full of pity for him. He could never return Seifer's love, he had never thought of men in that way, and he would never love anyone but Rinoa, no one, not ever again. It hurt too much loosing her. Sis had gone all those years ago, and Rinoa had slowly drawn him out of his shell. She had seen the man beneath all the misery and fear and kindled within Squall the emotions he had for so long feared to express.  
  
The shell was back in a sense- he had foresworn ever finding joy in life again, but his emotions could no longer be suppressed.  
  
So he pitied Seifer, the poor fool...  
  
Seifer watched this man long moments. Head against the wall, he stood there as if the expected the world to just stop around him. It wouldn't hurt this guy to take a nap on that metal table and have his clothes turned to shreds either. There was little point in putting precious energy into telling the man how much beloved him or how important he was to him. Having said it at all though felt good though. Now, he'd work on acting those feelings out. Making things as good as he could for Squall.  
  
He leaned back against the wall and crossed his arms over his chest. There were too many questions to even start asking them. This place made him feel comfortable though, as if it had been a home at one time. 


	6. Chapter 6

Distracted by a sudden breeze blew across his bare toes. They'd gotten dirty, or they'd been dirty before he walked across the ground from the ship. A smile slowly spread across his face as he began to wiggle his toes. Long toes, with toe nails that needed clipping and an odd little scar in the shape of a heart on his right foot, just above the little toe. He reached down and touched it, slide a finger between his big tow and the others, just enjoying the sensation. "I'm alive," he whispered.  
  
And other people weren't. And that was probably his fault, at least some of them. He took a deep breath, sucking air into his body, feeling as if life were coming back to life.  
  
Okay, so Squall was probably right. Whatever quirk of the universe that left him alive and other's not, if there was mechanism that made those choices, he didn't remember what it was. Whatever he'd done, it might be really bad, or it might just seem bad to this wild haired guy that meant so much to him. The guy had issues.  
  
Yawning, Seifer got up from the bed and scratched his head, throwing blond hair around. There was enough guilt and misery in the room, he decided and he didn't feel like contributing anymore at the moment.  
  
This place needed cleaning, needed to look like it had at one time. The memory of that hovered just out side his thoughts, like a word on the tip of your tongue and completely out of reach at the moment. Maybe, he though, if he could clean some things up, put some things right, his memories would start to come back. Squall didn't seem of a mind to want to answer a lot of questions, so Seifer decided he'd just look around on his own.  
  
He refused to believe that the exhaustion he felt had always been with him. Walking slowly, now aware of the rough ground on his bare feet, he started to explore the place.  
  
  
  
Squall felt a deep weariness in his bones. Seifer had some strange ideas alright, but what did they matter? He wasn't a threat- so it seemed- but his presence brought with it many bad memories. Torment and desperate flight, battle and pain, and death...so much death. Seifer had always been at the heart of things, beside the Sorceress, laughing- so happy to see the destruction and ruin caused by his Mistress. And yet, Squall found that his heart was not hard when he thought of Seifer, just...sore in some strange sense, like a deep bruise in his chest. Seifer had had potential and he had wasted it, and so much suffering had come from that.  
  
Squall hadn't questioned Seifer's actions at first, it had just been Them and Us before it became Good and Bad...things had been so much simpler.  
  
But had they been better? No, Rinoa knew, there was such a thing as right and wrong...  
  
Squall didn't pay attention to Seifer's amblings, let him do what he  
  
would so long as he gave Squall some peace for a little while.  
  
After a couple hours of slowly wandering around the house, small hard to catch butterfly memories flitting by him, Seifer wandered out onto the stairs in the back. It was so silent around here, just the sound of the waves, and if he listened very hard, Squall's breathing. It was peaceful, nice. He turned and looked back through the house. For the only day he could remember, it wasn't a half bad day.  
  
Slower now, his body sore, he took a few small steps down the stairs. He could still see the sunset as he sat down and leaned his head against the stone wall. Maybe he'd just close his eyes for a couple moments. It had been an intense day. He'd found the one with gray eyes. Maybe he'd be able to sleep peacefully. Maybe.  
  
It seemed that even though Seifer was physically gone, Squall wouldn't be allowed any rest. Into his mind came strange, disturbing images accompanied by a feeling of deep unease. Seifer- still weak and careless- stumbling on the broad stone stairs and cracking his head. Seifer trying to swim and drowning himself by accident, Seifer alone and helpless, ambushed by brave monsters ravening along the beach.  
  
Nonsense. Squall rubbed his eyes, it was all nonsense. Seifer would be fine- and why should it matter?  
  
Well it did, regardless of shoulds or should nots. Maybe it was the specter of Rinoa, pointing an admonishing finger at him for his deliberate attempt and being cold. Rinoa had seen something in Seifer, had cared for him.  
  
With a resigned groan Squall trudged over to the corner of the room where he had left his gunblade, and buckled the weapon onto his hip. One couldn't be too careful in this world...  
  
The thought came with a laugh, bitterly ironic. He chuckled darkly to himself as he made his way down the stairs, all the power and caution that was in him hadn't kept the most important person in the world safe.  
  
There was Seifer, taking his ease, head resting on the gray rocks. Or...Squall remembered the strange vision of Seifer falling and hitting his head. He bent low over the young man, and put a hand on his shoulder.  
  
"You awake?" He asked softly.  
  
Seifer woke, eyes snapping open, body cringing, magically healed bruises aching anyway. Gray eyes. Remember, he commanded himself. Those eyes. Squall. Safe. "Yes, yes, I'm awake."  
  
The wounds of his body were healed, but not the exhaustion, the malnutrition. Shakily, he got to his feet. Over the wide expanse of ocean.. oranges and yellows, reds made up the sunset. Seifer reached around for his bag, but realized he'd left it up stairs, so he couldn't draw the sunset. "I don't have the colors for it anyway. Isn't it beautiful, Squall? The sunset. Are they always like that? Like they could turn the water into all those melted colors?"  
  
Squall let his hand fall back down to his side. So- Seifer was fine. It had just been a stupid impulse and now he would have to talk to the guy. He looked out at the sunset and couldn't help but recognize it as beautiful. He didn't want to- he wanted to say that all he saw was drab colors, or just blurs of light- but he saw a gorgeous, vibrant sunset. Without a word to Seifer he started down the steps towards the beach. The light from the fading sun turned the waters incandescent, and the sand licked at his shoes, blown about by the warm evening air. It was vespers, the moon would soon rise. Squall set his gunblade against the bottom of the stone stairs- Seifer was no threat, and if he tried to become one...  
  
He quashed that thought, it was beneath him...utterly beneath the shreds of dignity he had left. He had saved Seifer, succored him back to health- there was nothing to be gained by nurturing hatred...  
  
Those were her words....  
  
He saw her eyes on the water, dancing amid the rainbow lights of the setting sun.  
  
Seifer followed, watching, taking every detail in as if it were the first time he'd ever seen Squall walk, or the fading sunlight bring out the reds and golds in his hair. And there was that lost look in his eyes like he was some kind of ghost, or saw some kind of ghost. The woman he'd talked about, Seifer guessed. He couldn't remember her name. He wondered if she'd be angry at him too. He couldn't remember, but it seemed like a very lot of people were angry at him.  
  
This place though, and being with Squall here in this place.. it made him feel like there was a world, was a Seifer beyond the black nothingness. The sand squished between his toes and after he'd caught up with Squall, he took a couple minutes, just watching it, moving it around. In the back of his mind, so distant that he could only hear the echoes... like voices passed by and carried away in the winds of time.. but there were small voices, young.. him and Squall maybe with the sound of the water behind them. "We were here before. I was a child here." And I must sound like a fucking idiot, he thought to himself.  
  
Though, why he cared, he didn't know. He'd found Gray Eyes, and he'd didn't feel like he was going to lose him any time soon, but... there was something else he wanted to tell him. He didn't think Squall believed him about loving him and that bugged him too. Thoughtful, Seifer squatted down and dug up a handful of wet sand. His hands knew the motions, the patting, adding, smoothing, even if his mind didn't. Quickly a small sand castle was started and he looked up at Squall with a small smile. His smile faded though. Squall was so sad, and somehow.. he just knew it was because of him.  
  
Squall stared at the sand castle, his mind gone blank. For a brief while it seemed that his thoughts would not haunt him, so long as he did not try to move, try to speak or act- he could just stand, gazing with eyes half- focused as Seifer went about the motions of raising a sandy fortress.  
  
It was such a stupid thing to do. Some part of him condemned Seifer for his childish behavior...another part of him urged him to bend down towards the dark beach and help... 


End file.
